Forgiveness

Can I give up? Can…I…give…up? I surrender. I capitulate. I have, for almost ten years, tried, and tried and tried again to appease Her. I frequently ponder and analyze here at this little spot in the blogosphere about 'Tawanda'. Should we indulge her? Am I at fault? Am I to blame?

What I am, is tired. As recently as last week I wondered out loud about transgressions against her, or perceived impropriety.

“I declare that there is more joy in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety and nine righteous persons who need no repentance. Even so, it is not the will of my Father in heaven that one of these little ones should go astray, much less that they should perish. In your religion God may receive repentant sinners; in the gospel of the kingdom the Father goes forth to find them even before they have seriously thought of repentance.”

I really never can tell. (Scroll down the page, go for a walk back in time. If you thought it might be one person, it was probably about her. I’ve even had some call me IRL to confirm that it was she I was speaking of. I’ve had others mistakenly think it was them. Oh well.) But, as I was saying, I never can tell, how did I offend her? Do I deserve an explanation? Am I defensible, indefensible? I cover much of my thinking in vague inferences with the delusion that per chance should she just happen upon this spot of nowhere, she may not be able to deduce that it is me. And, that it is SHE of which I CAN incessantly complain. Well, apparently, she DID.

I don’t know how to be friends with Tawanda. And God knows she needs a friend.

“The Father in heaven loves his children, and therefore should you learn to love one another; the Father in heaven forgives you your sins; therefore should you learn to forgive one another. If your brother sins against you, go to him and with tact and patience show him his fault. And do all this between you and him alone. If he will listen to you, then have you won your brother. But if your brother will not hear you, if he persists in the error of his way, go again to him.”

In this case there are the obligatory aspects. I need to be friends with her. It’s the RIGHT thing to do. But ultimately, after obligation, there is a sense of affinity. Like watching the paste eater in Kindergarten and wishing you could prevail upon her the awkwardness of her behavior to everyone else.

Alas, she is nothing, if not consistent. Consistently arbitrary and unpredictable. I don’t know that she is cognizant of the ultimate end to her actions. Nor do I think she cares. You could glace sideways at her and today, it’s funny. Tomorrow, inexcusable.

So my query is, when do I say when? When do I give in with anyone? Do I stop asking forgiveness? Is that right? How do I show the proper contrition and sincerity? I want to get it right. I WANT to get it right!! God wouldn't continually beat me over the head with the lesson if was getting the message. With Tawanda, I am continually accused and when the infraction is noted, IF it is noted, I am left begging for forgiveness. More often, her anger is manifest in a bizarre stolid yet antagonistic behavior. Classic passive/agressive.

The infraction is never noted, only reacted to. I am, of course, supposed to use my less than stellar skills of ESP to figure out what impropriety I have committed. She is under the distinct impression that it always obvious and I am complete moron for having not just “figured it out”. I particularize the details incessantly.
The most frequent advice, let it go. I am deflated. But, I’m trying. Time heals all wounds or in this case, breeds the ever growing indifference and apathy. I'm frustrated by the apathy. But, I severely lack adequate efficacy, I suppose.