Death & Honesty

Honest. Genuine. Forthright. Honorable in principles, intentions, and actions; upright and fair.

Honorable in intentions. I try, everyday, to be an honest person. To say and do what I believe. I am not always successful. And when I fail, I do everything in my power to rectify my inaccuracy.

Over the summer I was accused of being intentionally dishonest. Even calculating, plotting to fabricate a situation for my benefit. In the effort to defend myself, for that is what I should do, isn't it, defend my honor? In the effort to defend myself I was swiftly stopped.

Me: I didn’t intend this outcome. I didn't set out for this to....
Them: You put this idea into his head. You told him to do this.
Me: No. I would never want to intentionally...
Them: I don't know about that.
Me: Are you saying that I'm lying to you?
Them: Well, we'll just have to agree to disagree on that, won't we.

What!?!? Did they just say we would have to agree to disagree on my integrity?! Agree to disagree? My honor is not only questionable, but indefensible? Well, perhaps it is better to fail with honor, than succeed by fraud.

Indefensible. At what point in our efforts to seek reparations do we just acquiesce and let our reputation hang in the balance? This is about character. Do we allow the defamation of that character? Because, ultimately, that is what the offended party is going to do, sully our character and reputation in defense of themselves. There's that word again, defense.

Defense. Which segues into, forgiveness. What is true forgiveness? Is there an unforgiveable sin? Are they all unforgiveable? How many times does one have to ask for forgiveness before it is rendered insincere and redundant? It seems the ultimate oxymoron, a gross hypocrisy. We attend church on a consistent basis and preach forgiveness and repentance and yet we would condemn each other for even the most minor of offenses. Are we that above each other? Don’t true friends and family deserve unceasing palliation? The Lord extends such charity. He would seek us out to offer his indemnity.

“I declare that there is more joy in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety and nine righteous persons who need no repentance. Even so, it is not the will of my Father in heaven that one of these little ones should go astray, much less that they should perish. In your religion God may receive repentant sinners; in the gospel of the kingdom the Father goes forth to find them even before they have seriously thought of repentance.”

A good friend, a true friend, a best friend, (friendship, a topic for another day) recently offered a book selection that they had been assigned. I didn’t know how much I needed to read this book. My therapist would like to thank my friend. It brought me to an understanding of myself and reconciliation, of sorts, with my past. A forgiveness, if you will. For if I can not forgive myself, I don't know that I can expect forgiveness in return.

“The Father in heaven loves his children, and therefore should you learn to love one another; the Father in heaven forgives you your sins; therefore should you learn to forgive one another. If your brother sins against you, go to him and with tact and patience show him his fault. And do all this between you and him alone. If he will listen to you, then have you won your brother. But if your brother will not hear you, if he persists in the error of his way, go again to him.”

Another true friend of mine just lost her father-in-law. Her husband doesn’t know how to process this event. His life was a strange collection of similarities to the book I just finished. My friend recommended that he read the book to help process his past. Then his Dad died. He’s choosing to postpone reading said book. He is struggling with his feelings on his father’s passing. Trying to reconcile his anger with his sadness. Should he forgive his father? Should he be sad?
Regardless, the household is solemn. My condolences. The Offspring and I will be there to give our love and support. I struggle with death. It is one of my greatest fears.