Stunned Silence
Stunned Silence. It was all I could muster four years ago, on my son’s birthday, when my best friend dropped a bombshell. She was upset with me. In fact, she had been frustrated with me for some time. She just didn't know how to tell me.
I was informed, rather bluntly, that I was insensitive, immature, and a shameless copycat. I whined constantly without cause or provocation and she was just plain tired of it. I was emotionally draining, high maintenance and almost never happy. I was argumentative, opinionated and lacking civilized, mature behavior. She told me that she wasn't sure that she wanted to BE friends with me.
I was stunned. It was one of those moments I call 2X4 moments. I got that cold, sick feeling all over. The blood seem to just leave my face and pool at my feet. My heart stopped, a rock jammed in my throat and my heart sank to my stomach. I had spent hours with this woman, daily, for 4 years. I considered her my best friend. My confidante. My support. I didn't KNOW what to say. I was embarrassed. I was humbled. I had hurt someone I love. My behavior was inexcusable. In a truly stellar moment (that's sarcasm) all I could muster was lame "I'm sorry"(that was NOT sarcasm). I mean, if the allegations were true, what could I say. The reality is, she probably wasn't to far off the mark. The truth hurts.
The relationship lasted only another strained 6 months and then it abruptly stopped. I spent the better part of year trying to understand what I had done wrong and how I could properly rectify the situation. Trying to understand where I had failed as a friend, as human being. I had hurt someone I love I had to FIX it. That's what you DO!
We didn't see or speak to each other until this last Christmas. I don't know that anyone could grasp my elation. The circumstances were strange, to say the least. But I walked on water for days after. I speculated, "Maybe I have grown up in these four years," I whispered to myself, "Maybe I'll be able to have a more mature relationship with her." Yes, yes. We could talk again. Hang out again! Oh, I couldn't wait! I made tentative steps toward reestablishing and building our friendship anew!
Alas, perhaps my enthusiasm was a little premature. I was informed recently that I'm still immature. That I'm not worth the effort. Civilized and mature adults don't act like me. I realized with, stunned silence, that I'm not worth the effort for all the same reasons as four years ago. It's true, I jump to conclusions, take everything personally, I'm argumentative and I need to grow up. For God sakes I'm 36.
Can you hear my stunned silence? My mouth hanging agape. Hmm, yes, open mouth, insert foot. The blood rushed to my feet as I took the words in. I became lightheaded and I stumbled to the nearest commode. Fuck, I'd done it again! Will I never learn? How many times do I have to be hit over the head to get the message? And once again, I'm reduced to a blithering idiot with only a lame "I'm sorry". Not that it helps. Not that it does a damn bit of good. And not that writing it here will translate correctly. The printed word to often gets lost in translation.
I hold onto some hope that I can reconcile some of what we had. It seems terribly audacious, but, I loved her very much. She was my friend. They both were. But, I suppose, that sometimes, the damage is irreparable. In both cases, I deserve it. And I don't think any amount of apologies or humility will ever really mend the broken fences. The "burned bridge" I mentioned a few days ago, that one I had called in the engineers for, but didn't think was rebuildable. I, uh, yeah. Truth hurts.
I was informed, rather bluntly, that I was insensitive, immature, and a shameless copycat. I whined constantly without cause or provocation and she was just plain tired of it. I was emotionally draining, high maintenance and almost never happy. I was argumentative, opinionated and lacking civilized, mature behavior. She told me that she wasn't sure that she wanted to BE friends with me.
I was stunned. It was one of those moments I call 2X4 moments. I got that cold, sick feeling all over. The blood seem to just leave my face and pool at my feet. My heart stopped, a rock jammed in my throat and my heart sank to my stomach. I had spent hours with this woman, daily, for 4 years. I considered her my best friend. My confidante. My support. I didn't KNOW what to say. I was embarrassed. I was humbled. I had hurt someone I love. My behavior was inexcusable. In a truly stellar moment (that's sarcasm) all I could muster was lame "I'm sorry"(that was NOT sarcasm). I mean, if the allegations were true, what could I say. The reality is, she probably wasn't to far off the mark. The truth hurts.
The relationship lasted only another strained 6 months and then it abruptly stopped. I spent the better part of year trying to understand what I had done wrong and how I could properly rectify the situation. Trying to understand where I had failed as a friend, as human being. I had hurt someone I love I had to FIX it. That's what you DO!
We didn't see or speak to each other until this last Christmas. I don't know that anyone could grasp my elation. The circumstances were strange, to say the least. But I walked on water for days after. I speculated, "Maybe I have grown up in these four years," I whispered to myself, "Maybe I'll be able to have a more mature relationship with her." Yes, yes. We could talk again. Hang out again! Oh, I couldn't wait! I made tentative steps toward reestablishing and building our friendship anew!
Alas, perhaps my enthusiasm was a little premature. I was informed recently that I'm still immature. That I'm not worth the effort. Civilized and mature adults don't act like me. I realized with, stunned silence, that I'm not worth the effort for all the same reasons as four years ago. It's true, I jump to conclusions, take everything personally, I'm argumentative and I need to grow up. For God sakes I'm 36.
Can you hear my stunned silence? My mouth hanging agape. Hmm, yes, open mouth, insert foot. The blood rushed to my feet as I took the words in. I became lightheaded and I stumbled to the nearest commode. Fuck, I'd done it again! Will I never learn? How many times do I have to be hit over the head to get the message? And once again, I'm reduced to a blithering idiot with only a lame "I'm sorry". Not that it helps. Not that it does a damn bit of good. And not that writing it here will translate correctly. The printed word to often gets lost in translation.
I hold onto some hope that I can reconcile some of what we had. It seems terribly audacious, but, I loved her very much. She was my friend. They both were. But, I suppose, that sometimes, the damage is irreparable. In both cases, I deserve it. And I don't think any amount of apologies or humility will ever really mend the broken fences. The "burned bridge" I mentioned a few days ago, that one I had called in the engineers for, but didn't think was rebuildable. I, uh, yeah. Truth hurts.
posted by Molly Sue at
6:20 PM
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