Fear

Nervous. Scared. Anxious. I am blessed with a propensity to be anxious. Acute Anxiety Disorder is what my medical records say. Or, General Anxiety Disorder, depends on which Doctor you talk to.

It makes my heart race, my breathing rapid (all while being horizontally inclined), I lose sleep, I pace, my brain never shuts off. I obsess, I over analyze, worry. I'm weepy and emotional. Angry and emotionally aggressive. It compels me to do silly things. Randomly text or call everyone I love to make sure no one is dead or dying. Get up at odd hours to check the Offspring's breathing, or put my hand on pseudonymous husbands back. Just to make sure.

I don't like, I just learn to live around it. I refuse to quit living life. Therefore, I have to be creative. I've tried redirection, distraction, any number of ideas that doctors and therapists have suggested. The most useful, outside of consistent running for ridiculous hours and miles, is medication.

Tomorrow, I start toward what I hope will be the path to a life long dream. To be a therapist for gay youth. Specifically LGBTQQ youth. Especially here where the predominant culture and religion create such an oppressive, stifling atmosphere. Conditions ripe for rampant lifetime denial.

Everyone tells me I'll be fine, I'll do great, I'll kick ass... I'm scared. No, really.