Social Comforts

What is the first question you ask when a friend has a baby? When you or your partner got the first ultra-sound? You ask what flavor. You know you did.

Nature gives us our sex. Male, Female. Many of us are under the distinct impression that male is XY and female is XX. And for the most part, it is. There are cases where the womanizing, uber-jock sitting next to you has a chromosome make-up that looks more like XX 1/2 Y. But, to the naked eye, he is all man. Whatever that is.

That brings us to what society gives us, our gender. Why do you act like a "girl"? Who taught you that? Why do you act like a "boy"? Who taught you that? Society. Society told your mother that boys go home to a blue room and girls go home to a pink room. And somewhere in the mix, we came up with yellow for neutral....things that make you say, hmmmm?

So, what about that one in 1000 child who is born with ambiguous genitalia. Your first response would probably be, "Ha, do a DNA test!" But, is that the clear-cut answer? Or, is it what makes you more comfortable?

Most of my "educated" friends say, "Well, yes, but think about social development. Think about identity development." I do. And I want to understand why we have been conditioned to be so uncomfortable with ambiguity. What if, what if, that little person grows up and is happy, well adjusted, and balanced in their lives? What if?What if, you get it wrong? What if?

When the Offspring were little, I chose to nurse. Breastfeed, if that's a better technical term. And, based on the medical, anthropological, social, and developmental information I read, the best thing for them was to nurse until they self weaned. I learned that self weaning sometimes takes until they are 5 or 6. Anthropologists have found that the average weaning age, world-wide, is 4. In most cases, Mothers report encouraging weaning when they reached a psychological discomfort with nursing. In other words, nursing their child at a certain age was out of their comfort zone.

I followed these guidelines. Much to the chagrin of my family and social surroundings. Most found it uncomfortable and even "gross" when my 3 year old would ask to nurse. So, I made allowances for other's comfort levels. But, in the end it was about my child, not your comfort level.

Comfort zones, I worry about others comfort zones, frequently. From the clothes I wear to the whether my presence will bring discomfort to one or any in a room. (Yes, I questioned whether to participate or even attend on Saturday. It wasn't about me, it was about who I would discomfort. The Bride won out in the end, but still.) The same comfort zones that dictate how we "feel" when we see people in society that don't fit our schema for gender binary.

So, why do we do this? Is this person less than? Freaky or weird? Suffering from a "disorder"? Some of them, yes. They aren't legitimately struggling with gender identity. But some, are just that. Split right down the middle. Try to imagine a male getting pregnant. Unnatural, maybe. He might find it REALLY unnatural. Now put yourself in the shoes of a woman who feels she is male. Would it be just as "unnatural" for her to get pregnant? Think about how SHE sees it. How SHE FEELS. Take yourself out of the picture.

One of the Offspring was recently posed this question. His response? How do you go through life without a pronoun? This bothered him, so he made up his own. Clever. I like the way he thinks. He told me, he felt lucky, too. He was glad he had a pronoun and he was sad for those who didn't. "Someone should find a pronoun for them."

Yes, yes they should. My thoughts are long and wide on this gender thing. My little G.Q. inspires even more thoughts. Midge brightens this world, and while G.Q. is concerned with what YOU are comfortable with, I wonder, did anyone ever stop to ask G.Q. what G.Q. is comfortable with? He? She? Human? That's what I wonder. We're working on a new pronoun, me and the Offspring.