Timing

From a particular frame of reference, events just happen arbitrarily. We move through life and we impact it and it impacts us. But these events have no meaning unless we place meaning on them. These events are, if anything, coincidental. No one thing or person drives the timing or placement. Unless, like myself, you choose to place them in a certain context. I choose to see most events as nature driven. Sometimes, sometimes, the events and happenings seem far to serendipitous and I choose to see them driven by someone else. I name this thing God, with a capital 'G'.

So it is that my heart rejoiced and was simultaneously shattered at one event. The rejoicing was received and accepted with gratitude. The shattering, not received by the perpetrator and, with no remorse or feeling. Narcissism does strange and funny things. Why is it the bad stuff is so much easier to believe?

I find myself asking repeatedly, why? Not that anyone in the world, least of all those that I want to, really cares. What lesson am I ultimately supposed to gain from this experience? What behavior or practice am I supposed to alter? Am I supposed to be unavailable? It would leave me far less open for hurt and disappointment. But, then I would miss the things in life that make it worth living. Am I supposed to be more cautious, more judgemental, more closed?

I tried to convince myself, that, I didn't care. It doesn't matter. It's just stupid. And someone very adeptly called my bullshit. The message received was two-fold, 1)you care, it hurts and that's OK. And, 2) I care that you hurt. I refocused my perspective for a moment, because, I believe that, if you think the way you always thought, you'll always get, what you always got. So I rejoiced. I focused on what was right. And then, that backseat driver of mine gifted me with simple praise, that to the outside observer, would be insignificant.

"I love you so much, thank you for sharing this with me."
"Oh my gosh, I'm so glad you will be there. It makes it fun and bearable."
"I'm so sorry. That hurts my heart too. I love you."
"You are one of our best and we really appreciate you"
"My child adores you and I can't thank you enough."
"I'm so sorry stud."

Simple, insignificant words that were so needed for my hurting heart. Gratitude beyond measure for those words. And for that clever backseat driver who continually keeps me in mind. God's timing, is always perfect.