Once Upon a Time....

I hate being confused. I'm thinking, feeling and saying things in my head as I put them to paper and no matter what, it communicates wrong.

I'm not a confrontational person. Drama queen for sure, but not confrontational. I can make mountains out of mole hills like no other. I excel in drama. And I want everyone to like me. Not like me because they are being polite, like me because I genuinely want to be a friend.

I am insecure, tentative, and in reality, amazingly imperfect. I don't want to make anyone angry. Truly. Pseudonymous Hubby and Therapist have told me for years, I can't please everyone. This doesn't mean that I won't try. And it also means that, I always fuck-it-up.

Ever have those days when you just want to give up? Today, is one of those days. I feel like the kid who bids with all his heart to get his parents attention and no matter what, the result is a big fat zero. I'm standing on the corner confused, upset and lost. I feel one thing, try to express that effectively and no matter what, the response is..."What the Fuck!?" I then find myself scrambling to fix it. Waving my hands and yelling "No, no, no, wait. Stop!! That's not what meant! Wait, listen, I'm sorry...I." My heart gets hurt and I blame myself for not being more effective at delivering a message.

Somebody feed me a more rope, I need a little a slack. Not that it's up to everyone else to stroke my ego and blow sunshine up my ass.

Just one of those days.