Buzzing Matters

I've far to much going on in my head and not near enough time and space to fit it all in. Education has got my mind strapped to some strange diversions. Marriage, relationships, divorce and why we get to that point in a marriage. Offspring, kids, family, family dynamics. Religion, that's always a big one for me. Reciprocity, give and take, expectations; small? Trivial? Depression, anxiety and the need to have space. Perceptions, another big one. Do I perceive your bids correctly or are you really sincere? Animosity. Understanding. Callous indignation. Relationships with abuse, both subtle and overt. Emotional, psychological, physical. Patterns and cycles of abuse. Dysfunction.

To much to cover and not enough time. I haven't seen home before ten o'clock at night in weeks. I leave early in the morning, I run around all day, and I return home with precious little time to process. Decidedly, I'm not reaching those I would like to reach, and I'm pulled by those who feel I'm not reaching enough.

There was much intrapersonal reconciliation today. DDbut is always so honest yet, loving.

"Time to be done. That is a river you can stand in, but you will only get cold feet, and eventually a cold heart. The water still continues to the ocean. You can't catch it, hold it, or change it's course. Love those who are open to accept your love and be at peace with the ones who chose to reject it. Do not be a doormat. You are not in service to those who cannot be reciprocal. And yes, sometimes, there are strings attached. That's OK. Stop accommodating those who cannot, will not, return the act of giving."

I hate it when she's right. But, she is. So, if you accept my bidding's, my offerings of unconditional acceptance, then we give and we receive, without judgement.

To my little one who needs the space, I am, and will always be here. I wait, anticipatory, for your return. I know you are strong and you will be OK. I respect you. I respect your effort and I hope to continue a growing friendship.

To you who find my presence, my words, and my communication an act of illusory deceit, enjoy the ocean. I choose to let you all descend to another place. I cannot physiologically harbor the pain, guilt, and perceived harm that you claim I inflict. I choose to remove you from my paradigm.

To the wise one who nodded to me tonight and said that the future was set by those who cannot change their vision. I accept and hold that hope.

And for those of you, Sally, who hate that fact that I don't just spell it out for you, relax, you are such a grateful presence in my life. And princess. And Bubble Boobs. And the rest of you. Careful, you may not realize, you were included in the words. Read between the lines.