Authentically Yours

I've had a problem most of my life. I severely lack self censure. I like people. In fact, I love people. And I want to be loved backed. If you don't feel the compunction, I may or may not take it well. (If I love you, I love you Forever!)

I am also loud, boisterous, in your face, intelligent, articulate and always looking for the humor. (I've laughed out loud at funerals and in church)This is not well received by those around me. Infelicitous behavior has ALWAYS been frowned upon in my familial world. Religion and society have prescribed a strict code of behavior and I frequently violate that code.

The pinch of the lips and the crease in the brow tell me, girls don't speak out. Girls are subdued, (Dad always told me I had the grace of an elephant and move like a herd of camels) girls are suppose to dream of growing up and getting married and having little ones. Girls should have little inspiration to be strong, intelligent and demurring. Girls are "sacred", girls acquiesce to the patriarchy, girls don't even get into heaven without - a guy. In this world I was, and still am, second fiddle.

Me? Well, speaking out when it didn't "make sense" was my creed, I didn't care what restrained was - I just knew it was boring. Well behaved women rarely make history. I liked running, climbing trees, gymnastics, swimming, reading and playing rough. I wanted to be with the boys. I wanted to be like the boys. I liked messy hair, pants and dirt. I liked running faster than anyone and outwitting everyone. I wanted to grow up and be President (I only ever delineated President, I never could define president of what.) I liked walking strong with my chest thrust forward. I relished my bruises. I wanted to be a Jack Rabbit. (I'm not kidding, it was a favorite game of my girlfriend and I) I hated authority, I hated when anyone told me what to do, how to do, or on what time table to do it. I was especially repulsed by anyone who told me anything that was counter to what my heart told me. Because in this world, my heart is never wrong.

The world told me I shouldn't drink (alcohol), I should always adhere to the Religious Majority, I should never have an independent thought, I should never be friends with anyone that isn't "my age" or "persuasion".(As if I can't have a genuine friendship with an 18 year old because they can't be articulate and intelligent, they can and are. And, as if I have nothing in common with members of the AARP!) I should "love the sinner and not the sin" (can you see me gag and turn green at that crap?! Religious Tolerance my ass, fucking (sorry Matilda, I know you hate that word) oxymoron.) And I should always judge my interaction with any human based on the arbitrary rules and listings of white bread, white collar, patriarchal leadership.

Nope, my heart is never wrong. I'm not even going to apologize for that one. When my heart says that I love you, I love you. Forever. Period. God is perfect, therefore, God makes no imperfect thing. I know what my heart tells me and it is not wrong. God put it in my heart and God put it in me. It isn't wrong.

If my authentic self is not to your liking. You know where you can stick it.