I've Had It To My Eyeballs

Kind of sick and tired of wandering eyes who frequent our little spot only to check on what gossip they think we may be spewing about them....This shocks you, I know, because I am SUCH A HYPOCRITE!! I think that's my new name, "Inappropriate Hypocrite"

So, we're back to what works, signing in with emails and passwords. Then I know that the only frequenters are people I can trust.

Once Upon a Time....

I hate being confused. I'm thinking, feeling and saying things in my head as I put them to paper and no matter what, it communicates wrong.

I'm not a confrontational person. Drama queen for sure, but not confrontational. I can make mountains out of mole hills like no other. I excel in drama. And I want everyone to like me. Not like me because they are being polite, like me because I genuinely want to be a friend.

I am insecure, tentative, and in reality, amazingly imperfect. I don't want to make anyone angry. Truly. Pseudonymous Hubby and Therapist have told me for years, I can't please everyone. This doesn't mean that I won't try. And it also means that, I always fuck-it-up.

Ever have those days when you just want to give up? Today, is one of those days. I feel like the kid who bids with all his heart to get his parents attention and no matter what, the result is a big fat zero. I'm standing on the corner confused, upset and lost. I feel one thing, try to express that effectively and no matter what, the response is..."What the Fuck!?" I then find myself scrambling to fix it. Waving my hands and yelling "No, no, no, wait. Stop!! That's not what meant! Wait, listen, I'm sorry...I." My heart gets hurt and I blame myself for not being more effective at delivering a message.

Somebody feed me a more rope, I need a little a slack. Not that it's up to everyone else to stroke my ego and blow sunshine up my ass.

Just one of those days.

Salsa Under the Stars

I'm the black sheep in my family. Thankfully I share the dubious honor with a other of my siblings. I hold the distinct honor of being the inappro-
priate one. Shocking, I know. If there is anything to say or do that will completely humiliate my Mother, you can bet I will be the one to do or say just the thing. I'm so proud.

It really should come as no surprise, being that birds of a feather flock together, that I like to be friends with other "inappropriate" people. The Salt Lake Swede always tells me that we struggle with self-censure, but I'm sure I've no idea what she is talking about. And, well, I just seem to find these wonderfully inappropriate souls to share my life with, all around me. (I knew Midge and I could be friends when I told her that playing pool was something she enjoyed because it was the only way she got play with balls.....heehee.) Give me time, I could give an example of each one of my crazy friends. (Something about STD tests in the Ace Hardware comes to mind...Bawhahaha) So, Friday night the pseudonymous hubby and I went to the pastor's house to have dinner and take salsa lessons. Bring a friend! So I did.

We'll call my friend, Victoria. You can't miss her in a room, especially if you give a drink. The quintessential New York Italian. She'd be the one standing on a chair in a room of 350 people, dog whistling to get everyones attention to find out who wants to accompany her outside for a smoke. (She really did this. At the company Christmas party. You could hear the crickets chirp.) Better yet, telling every married guy in the room how hot he is and wondering if his wife appreciates him and gives him a lot of sex. This is how she introduced herself to the pastor. He's a Unitarian pastor. And he's from New York. The Bronx to be exact. Aaaand, he's Jewish. But, the look on his face when she said that? Priceless.

Forget the social/political power player that he is. Or the power players that were there, she looked him straight in the eye and told him he was a good looking guy....you can fill in the rest. Dinner was tremendous, the conversation amazing, the company engaging, the dancing lessons hilarious and Vic...at her very best. Thank god for my favorite black sheep. (And don't you know I look like the picture....or not.)

YeeHaa!

Close your eyes...wait, don't, then you can't read. Just make a mental picture for me. Picture granny in all her glory. Blue hair, festive bug-eye sun glasses, and a gorgeous flower, polyester dress. Tiny wrinkled hands white knuckled to the steering wheel as we fly down the interstate a breakneck speed of 45 miles an hour. See grandpa seated next to her, his arms bracing himself on the dashboard, mouth agape. The Oldsmobile boat moves like butta....Why would I spend that much time behind this vehicle on the way to school? Yeah, the license plate said, YeeHaa.

The Truth...Hurts

There is something uncomfortable about emotional pain. Innately, we don't like to see it. We feel the pain of those we love and we want to fix it. We want it to stop. From the time our children are babies, or we are infants ourselves, we have a physiological response to the internal pain of others. A measured response. We can feel what they feel.

Yet, look at how we are conditioned to respond. "Shhh, don't cry."; "Now, stop. It's OK. Think about something else."; Think, for just a minute...you come to a friend in tears. You've had a hard day. Your heart is broken. You want and need nothing else but to feel your hurt and cry. They open their arms and pat you on the back and you collapse in uncontrollable sobs. They allow you to cry, saying only; "I'm so sorry. I love you." or "Shhh, don't cry.", "Now, stop that."

Which friend do you seek the next time you have pain? If you suppress that pain like the second one wants you to do the internal damage is noticeable, especially over time. And we do this to each other from the day we are born. We want pain to stop because we haven't learned how to accept it. We haven't learned how to feel it.

Sadness and hurt are a part of life. It sucks. But owning that pain and allowing it come out is nature's way, it God's way, of helping us to heal. So, cry. Feel your hurt. Right here, right now, for "tomorrow" will seem brighter when you acknowlege today.

I Need A Backhoe! I'd Like To Bury This Wave

Not to long ago I was under some distinct delusion that, since I had the "power" to convert innocent young boys to the dark side, that I could persuade their frigid mothers to soften up. Seriously, get a fucking backhoe. Bridge building is for those who find mental jackhammering a relaxing and meditative activity.

I have a final tomorrow, in Marriage and Family Therapy. Rather ironic, seeing that as I settled into my happy spot to study today, Vera walked in with her 6 shot. I've been dually informed that I am not to engage in any verbal exchange with her or anyone related to her. A difficult endeavour when considering her little Highlight works at the Wave from hell. Even more fantastic is that she sent her paid monkey to deliver the message. I wish I were so above the world...enlighteded as it were?

Seriously, I came to relax. And the sugar coated vigilante waltzed in, looked at me with her patronizing smile and propped herself up across the pool where she could "watch" me.

This used to bother me. I would get all nervous and jittery because I wanted to make nice if you know what I mean. Today, I couldn't wait to walk by her and stand there for no reason. To add to our little party, the Hightlight came over to hang with a friend. Stellar. She kept looking at me like she wanted to make eye contact. Sorry sister, you'll have to take that up with your enlightened parents. I'm the devil in diguise, don't you know.

You know, I wonder about people like that. They psychologically destroyed two beautiful human beings last summer and they feel? Nothing. Zip, zero, nada, zilch. In fact, they feel justified. They were the innocent victims and we were the perpetrators. They've vilified one of the poor kids and they can still sleep at night.

I used to think that everyone deserved empathy. I think I change my mind. Empathy is for those that are willing to receive and reciprocate. Vera's sphincter is to tight. I only hope Sparky can let it go. No, I did not say forgive and forget. I say, forgive for yourself. Forget? Never.

Going Home

We can't wait to board the plane! New Jersey here we come. New York, here we come. Can't wait to see the fam, can't wait to swim, can't wait to see Kit Kat's place in the city, can't wait to see Gram and Papa and catch frogs and ride horses and eat Gram's food and.....can't wait. Just can't wait!

Broken Hearts

It's hard to lose a friend. We will miss you Willy. We love you!! To many tears and a huge gaping hole.

It's Growing....

LAUGH! It's Funny.

Nature love variety, Society doesn't.

20/20 Hindsight

I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. ~Maya Angelou

I love those moments of epiphany when you reflect on a past situation or conversation and you realized what an ass you were. And there is nothing like a marriage and family therapy class to really spell those out for you.

"You should know, you were always so good at making me feel like shit"

What is it in a relationship that keeps us from effective communication? And what is it that then perpetuates this problem over weeks, months and year? We are so busy listening to people in order to fix them we lose all perspective in what the exercise of listening is supposed to get us, UNDERSTANDING. And this texting and email thing, they aren't helping.

"Words mean more than what is set down on paper. It takes the human voice to infuse them with deeper meaning."

We fail, miserably in some cases, to convey with our words that we love and accept someone just the way they are. Our thinking is wrong and we don't tell that friend, spouse or loved one that they are right that we understand, that we acknowledge that we are doing it wrong!

We say one thing and we act another and those ways of being are in conflict -

"I love them and they hate me. I'll never love them again. I hate them!"

Valid feeling? Absolutely! What's our pat response? Something tremendously lame, to the affect of, "remember that feelings of hate only beget more feelings of hate." No, inability to validate and accept the feelings and frustrations of another is a monumental failure. First validate, accept and be willing to take influence.

Worse, how I act versus what I say makes you feel "like shit" and when you can't articulate those feelings and frustrations, well, we all get angry and say things we don't mean. In our narcissistic society, it's all about "me". We spend all our time playing the justification game. We are compelled to want to kick each other square in the nuts. Or poke the living hell out of each other.

We spiral into vast holes of misunderstanding and at that point, it doesn't matter what we say or what we TRY to communicate, we're stuck. And we refuse to see that the problem, is our own damn fault.

We wonder why people get divorced or tell each other to piss off and then never speak again? We are so dysfunctional.Lessons like this, suck. They cost friendships, marriages and sometimes family relationships. And it's never our immediate vision that is 20/20, it's that damn hindsight.

That backseat driver of mine needs to talk louder.....I don't want hingsight, I want foresight.

Self Preservation

Remember first grade? There was the kid in class who was oh, so cool. The kid everyone wanted to be friends with. And, you qualified or you didn't. If you did, oh elation. But don't ever piss that kid off. Or do something that they can turn around on you.

Then, it happens, your moment of unconscious stupidity. That kid turns on you and you spend the rest of your school existence trying to protect yourself from making another bone head move like that again.

Or how about the first time you tell someone you love them. What if they don't reciprocate? The first time you get dumped.

Weird, strange and ironic how those feelings and reactions stay with us our whole lives. I was bullied in school. You're thinking, eh, too bad, so sad. But, I still get the same queasy feeling in certain situations and with some people. What is that? Why don't we grow out of that? Isn't that one of those maturity things we "just get over?"

Self preservation. Defense mechanism. Freud, Erikson, Bandura, Vygotsky, Jung, Bronfenbrenner, pick one, there are a hundred different theories on the concept. But, we find ourselves back in those familiar situations that take us down and we have learned to think only of ourselves and our own feelings. Then, it's all about preserving our psyche. We don't want to hurt again.

LAUGH! It's Funny.

Pride!

There is a first time for everything, and mine was this weekend. Holy Cow! To tired to relay. So many pictures. So many people! And what some people will wear in public...working on my biases.

I don't think I missed a single person. I just didn't get to say 'hi' to everyone I wanted to.(The dog, is adorable! Cute, black sweetie with the most georgeous eyes!)

Can't wait to do it again next year. We're talking parading in trucks. I wonder if I know a little G.Q. that would want to drive a '71 chevy.... ;) (Dancing faeries not included)

Thought of Matter

Does it matter what one thinks? We spend a lot of time arguing about what is right, wrong, good, bad. What is good for society? What is good for the family? What is good for me? What is good for you?

A lot of this arguing is in relation to how it will impact the individual and ultimtely the society at large, on a micro and macro level. Will socialized health care create better access for all to have better health services? Have countries like Sweden and Canada really cornered that market? What really does happen if we legalize abortion, same-sex marriage, or decriminalize marijuana? And how do you personally answer those questions? Why is your answer more superior than mine, or my neighbors or the politician that won the majority vote? What is it that compels you to want me to change who I am? Control what the other thinks, feels and how they act?

On a lesser scale, why do we care about relationships? Friends, family, communities? How or why is one of us a threat to the other, simply based on a different thought process or opinion? When communication breaks down, becomes negative, or never was positive or effective, whose perception is more valid? Is either of any value? If I hurt because of something you said, or something that I perceive you said or did, and your apparent response is "Whatever", does that devalue what I perceive and feel? Am I just being immature, stupid or even imparting myself where I was never welcome anyway? If I wasn't welcome in the first place, why didn't you say so? And I really want to know, how does one just "get over it"? It seems to be a popular theme in our culture lately. Just get over it. Really? Really, it's that simple? (Customary slap of the forehead) Stupid me. Ok, I'll just, get over it.

When interacting with others, who is more important, of more significance? Does context really matter outside of legal jargon, documents and court rooms? Thought, thinking, knowing, does it really matter? Me thinks, you really don't care.

Give That Wave Some Eternal Optimism (Edited)

Or don't. I'm so angry right now, I can't see straight. We had a lovely gathering of members tonight for our annual member meeting. I was optimistic due to the presence of one couple in particular and that everyone seemed to be in generally good spirits.

Yesterday I got started on that bridge building project, today I communicated, and tonight, well it was just turning out to be a stellar day. Then the meeting started. And it went, and it went, and it went, and we beat the horse to a bloody pulp and then lined up to beat it again. And then it was over, or not. I was stopped on my way out and ask if I could please have a "discussion" with one of our stalwarts. In my mind I was thinking, GREAT, we can add to the bridge. Yeah, pull up the boards Molly, they are not looking to find common ground with you. No, they don't want me speaking to anyone in their family. EVER. Period. It seems that it only matters if I'm M-O-R-M-O-N. And since I'm not, well, me, the pseudonymous husband, the Offspring and everything we touch are absolutely from hell. We are from hell, we are going to hell and we represent hell. Those beliefs in things like Christ and a Christlike attitude and practice. Nope, just for show. They have cornered the market, they and all their saintly members. Doesn't it just make you want to jump right up and head to Church with them?

Mmmm, how does that work when their Offspring works at the dumpy wave? And, how did it work for them that I was so polite and understanding? Oh yes, that's right, we agree to disagree that I'm a pathological LIAR. And, it seems, that regardless of my intentions, my ability to be appropriate in context, or my careful consideration when engaging in any conversation with anyone under a certain age, (or anyone for that matter) none of the above matters, AT ALL.

So, the message I get is this...verbal exchange is simply for communicating any and all things non-controversial. Weather and mundane facts of information. Remember, there is no such thing as critical thinking or questioning. Bad, bad, bad. Sadly, this was endorsed by others that I thought would feel and express otherwise. Alright then. New motto, don't talk to anyone. Speak only when spoken to. Remember that you are always wrong and everyone else (men of ANY age!!) are always right, it's their God given gifts. Be seen and not heard. Be lovely, compliant, passive, submissive and always wear pretty clothes, smile, do your hair, don't have feelings, wear make-up, be excited about opression. And always remember, you are just a stupid girl, if you irritate someone it's always your fault and if they want to ignore it, you should always be accomodating. Oh my goodness, you're right. I love it!! I'll get on that right away!

Cover your eyes kids, you don't want to read the rest.....never mind. I have been told, again. You know, that leaves me with, with, oh, no one, from that fiasco, still speaking to me. Wow, maybe I should go into the bridge demolishing business. Look at me jeopardize my family, my reputation, my marriage, for what? To HELP someone? Please. I did not help anything, except maybe to tarnish what little dignity I had. I think it's time to move. That optimism thing, yeah, should've checked that at the door. I'll flush everything else down with it too. It'll all turn out the same.

No Words

Do you understand anxiety? Do you understand depression? When you watch, when you feel, the progressive, increasing slump that a loved one takes, what do you do?

The reality? Sheer helplessness. You can do, nothing. The processes involving such conditions are mysteries that science has very few answers for. Real answers, anyhow. There are no words you can offer. One either hears the words and cannot accommodate them, process or use them. Or, the response is an arbitrary, hostile response that the well intentioned deliverer is unable to ever, ever, mend or reconcile.

Rock and a hard spot. In both cases, you lose. In some cases, permanently.

The View From My Window

I feel better already. What a gift.....It's cold. There's still a lot of snow and you can't believe how green, how greeeen, the valley is.

Buzzing Matters

I've far to much going on in my head and not near enough time and space to fit it all in. Education has got my mind strapped to some strange diversions. Marriage, relationships, divorce and why we get to that point in a marriage. Offspring, kids, family, family dynamics. Religion, that's always a big one for me. Reciprocity, give and take, expectations; small? Trivial? Depression, anxiety and the need to have space. Perceptions, another big one. Do I perceive your bids correctly or are you really sincere? Animosity. Understanding. Callous indignation. Relationships with abuse, both subtle and overt. Emotional, psychological, physical. Patterns and cycles of abuse. Dysfunction.

To much to cover and not enough time. I haven't seen home before ten o'clock at night in weeks. I leave early in the morning, I run around all day, and I return home with precious little time to process. Decidedly, I'm not reaching those I would like to reach, and I'm pulled by those who feel I'm not reaching enough.

There was much intrapersonal reconciliation today. DDbut is always so honest yet, loving.

"Time to be done. That is a river you can stand in, but you will only get cold feet, and eventually a cold heart. The water still continues to the ocean. You can't catch it, hold it, or change it's course. Love those who are open to accept your love and be at peace with the ones who chose to reject it. Do not be a doormat. You are not in service to those who cannot be reciprocal. And yes, sometimes, there are strings attached. That's OK. Stop accommodating those who cannot, will not, return the act of giving."

I hate it when she's right. But, she is. So, if you accept my bidding's, my offerings of unconditional acceptance, then we give and we receive, without judgement.

To my little one who needs the space, I am, and will always be here. I wait, anticipatory, for your return. I know you are strong and you will be OK. I respect you. I respect your effort and I hope to continue a growing friendship.

To you who find my presence, my words, and my communication an act of illusory deceit, enjoy the ocean. I choose to let you all descend to another place. I cannot physiologically harbor the pain, guilt, and perceived harm that you claim I inflict. I choose to remove you from my paradigm.

To the wise one who nodded to me tonight and said that the future was set by those who cannot change their vision. I accept and hold that hope.

And for those of you, Sally, who hate that fact that I don't just spell it out for you, relax, you are such a grateful presence in my life. And princess. And Bubble Boobs. And the rest of you. Careful, you may not realize, you were included in the words. Read between the lines.

Inappropriate

It will come as no surprise to anyone, in fact, you may even be THRILLED to find out, that it recently came to my attention....I am inappropriate. I need to grow-up. I need to join the ranks of the truly adult. Well, thank you. Because, while I may make fun of the insult, it hurt. And I wonder, if you think that I am inappropriate and you think that I need to grow up, why do read this?

I write some of my most inner thoughts. I had, up to now, enjoyed expressing myself. While I vent about what goes on in my brain, those who come here to read are those that I would share with in person anyway, so it didn't seem to matter. But, as the Internet is, eventually someone you originally invited decides that you are absolutely, the most vile of the earth or someone finds out that you have a website through other channels and they come to "peek". We all come here, read, and some of us leave really pissed off. To which I wonder, if you come and it angers you, why do you come? Do you really think that my skin is as thick as I'd like you to believe?

Today, I was told that I'm inappropriate. That I am ALWAYS, inappropriate. Whether you give a rat's ass or not, it hurt. Chances are if you fall into that category of thinking me vile & inappropriate, you are cheering like mad. Well, enjoy. (I'll insert my customary roll of the eyes and dose of sarcasm here) Maybe I "learned my lesson".