Thursday, February 28, 2008

I Do Offend

I know this is going to come as immense shock to all those who frequent my spot of blither (That's a sum total of.....3?) but, I've offended someone yet again. (Mmmm, customary roll of my eyes and toss of my head)

I recently had the audacity (hope springs eternal) to try and politely, gently, trepidaciously, point out to a home schooling individual that perhaps her perspective on a particular topic was a little short sided. (The Unitarian doth prevail in me.) Perhaps she was failing to see the good aspects of the situation that she was griping about.

She was griping about Oprah and her enthusiasm for A Course in Miracles and Ekahart Tolle's new book. The discussion was on the home school forums that I frequent and she linked her personal blog in her post. These boards are heavily weighted with evangelicals. I appreciate the Evangelical perspective in most cases, or at least I try. But in this particular case I felt that her ranting was a little on the short, fatalistic doomsday side.

I tried to point out that perhaps peoples compunction to pick up A Course in Miracles and/or Tolle's book and read it and then participate in the discussions that Oprah is trying to start could be a good thing for many people who lack a spiritual compass. Stupid Molly. In the world of the Evangelical Christian it is NOT about tolerance and understand....I should know this.

Hmmm, it seems that the harder I try to beeee, what shall we call it, Christ-like? Open minded? NON-judgmental? The harsher the response I get. I think I wish for a small collection of the world to, GROW the FUCK UP!! But, that's not very nice, is it!!

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Angels Among Us

God or nature, however you would like to define it, has blessed me with wonderful, beautiful people that I call friends. More like brothers and sisters, but friends none the less.I have one, (well I'd like to think I have more than one but we're just talking about one right now.) whom I have called friend now for 16 years. Wow, sixteen years. A few nights ago, as we laughed (till our sides hurt) and shared our memories both current and past I wandered back in my head over the sixteen years that I have been lucky enough to have this true friend in my life.

My first memory of Miss Andrea was in a college practicum class where she had to give a presentation. She came into the room with a stiff, shaky and unbalanced but happy, energetic, blond boy with water blue eyes clamoring behind her. Miss Andrea chose seats behind me and told the boy to sit down. He dutifully complied with her command where upon she handed him a brand new role of masking tape and he commenced to wrap the ENTIRE roll around one hand. Can you picture this? He was intensely engaged in this activity for 35-40 minutes. When the roll came to an end he held out his balled hand to her, grunted and smiled. She obliged him by cutting the ball off his hand.

This was my introduction to 'A'. A beautiful boy with a mystery affliction. And his wonderful mother with undying optimism. A woman who would/will never cease to believe that treating him just as she would any other child is the only fair and just thing to do in this world. Regardless of his apparent limitations.

When I met them both his condition was a mystery. For seven years he just had something but no one knew what. At the age of seven he was diagnosed with Angleman's Syndrome. He is a wonderful human with an infectious enthusiasm for life and an intense love of fishing and 'Scrubs'. Both of which he could watch without end, if allowed.

Miss Andrea taught me the true meaning of unconditional love. Which she introduced me to one fateful day after restraining herself in an observation booth as I tried to control a room full of preschoolers. Control would be the key there. I have issues!! After class concluded she took me into the observation booth and with all of the tact that she could muster, put her hands on my shoulders and told me where the bear shit. That our goal as teachers was not to exert control over children, it was to love and guide them. She told me this in the most loving way of course. Strained....but loving. I think she wanted to slap me, more than anything.

Well, I hated her for it. Vehemently. I never wanted to return to the Lab school. Until I realized that, despite my stupidity, she still loved and cared for me. That in fact, she had corrected my behavior BECAUSE she loved me. And that she would still defend and rally for me. Would still be there for me. Which she has done now for 16 years. No matter what retardation comes out of my mouth. She just looks at me and nods her head and says "Oh yeah?" It's weeks and sometimes years later that I have a "Doh" moment. That, "Oh my hell! Did I say that?", moment. And I love her for being flexible and loving me enough to allow me my faults and still love me. She has taught me love, to laugh and find all the humor in life. Even when it would seem that there is no humor to be had.

There is a special place in heaven for 'A' and Miss Andrea. I hope that I am privileged enough to be seated with them. In case your curious, we'll be fishing...And 'A' will be able to tell us all the wonderful and enlightening things that he couldn't while here on this earth. He will cast his reel from the center of the stream where he will stand strong without waver and he will flash that famous smile at us on the shore. He is and Angel among us and God hand picked his mother to help guide him and some of us, through this thing we call, life. I love you Miss Andrea.

A Nod To Robin

Robin answered a nagging question that I've been having for some time now and I think she needs a nod...Uh, Robin, You...Kick...Ass!! I couln't tell her that in the forums, but I can herrrrreeee.

Go for a gander. We may not agree, but Robin had the Moxy to call me on her disagreement. You go girl. I think she would be my friend if I lived in Florida. She could teach me to fish!

The Twilight Zone

It's 3:27 a.m. I've patiently lay motionless for almost two hours hoping that sleep would occupy my thoughts rather than the incessant play of activity from my day life. When boredom finally overtakes my patience I creep to my sofa and curl up with my TiVo remote.

This is where anxiety takes me. To realms of pervasive insomnia. I would like to say I control my mind and its recesses, but that is not the case. And now, of my own tired volition I find myself scrolling through the guide for something to capture my attention. It's entertainment, so, entertain me damn it. Alas, my choices are limited to

Paid Programming
Paid Programming
Gunthy-Renker
Dead Famous: Ghostly Encounters
Rock Hard in 90 days
Paid Programming

I gather, based on my limited options, that the 3 o'clock crowd is not comprised of a highly educated sort. We would appear to be a collection of tired-less shopping, excercised obsessed, spirit chasers. This is what I'm reduced to, an artful way to describe (and appeal to) trailor trash. Although, 'Rock Hard in 90 days' does leave scope for the imagination. Yeah, I don't have that kind motivation. I think I lost what could have been rock hard, if I ever possesed it in the first place, some years ago. (This is what I comtemplate with a wiley bob of my head, lips twisted in a rye smirk.)

I feel that my best option is "Dead Famous: Ghostly Encounters". A show hosted by a well pressed homosexual with a fabulous faux hoc and bad roots. He is accompanied by what appears, literally, to be the human equivalent of a cupie doll. She is mostly bald, with a strange blond whisp of hair positioned a top her head...when that head isn't adorned with a garish and unfortunate scarf.

A camera follows the pair through "haunted" places as they snap pictures and scan the air with magnegtic imaging readers and such. It all seems very scientific. But, I am a skeptic. I would like to believe in ghosts. I WANT to believe in ghosts. It might provide me some definitive "proof", as it were, that we GO somewhere when this earthly body gives out. And, if you know me in real life, you know, one of my greatest fears...is death. Especially and untimely death. If I leave early who would love my children? All of them. I can't leave without reconciling all that I've done, or not done. Ultimately, I WANT to go somewhere.

Where do we go? What is there when, if, we arrive? Who will be there? Will there be a "there"? Is there a God? Is there? What if all those atheists are right? No one can tell me. I've tried. My answer hangs somewhere between assuredy and absurdity. And of course there is the pitiful response. Pity! Because I am pitiful for asking the question. As if I am pitiful for begging someone to find understanding with me. Maybe I just shouldn't ask....

Well, until then, which I pray won't be for a long while, I'll entertain myself with "paranormal investigatore". If nothing eles those "paranormal investigators" have a lot of pictures with light reflective dust particle...particles, hmmmm. That reminds me..........................

Monday, February 25, 2008

As The Pool Waves

Hell On Earth. That is how I've heard this place described as on occasion. Today, I concur. Whole heartedly!!!!! John Boy calls it a painful practice in stupidity. I just call it a migraine right now. There is a line from a Christmas song that keeps recurring in my head...."Fine! You're so good at it! You wring up the lights!!"

So, the treasurer has decided that due to personal problems she can no longer participate on a volunteer basis. She needs to be compensated for her contributions. I say, fair. But, the rest of the board doesn't. She resigned.

I was under the impression that the new president would be a fabulous follow up to my reign of terror. I miscalculated. She will be MORE than terror, we will terrorize in tandum...whaa ahh ahh! and the three witches, one of those bitches jump ship! What the hell.

If there aren't problems to beat ad nausea well, we can pull them out of our collective asses!! Sure! Why not! I couldn't make this up if I tried. Oh, but wait, that's right, Edith decided jump ship. The waves got to big. An unfortunate cost of reproduction.

Is god,(yes, I did type that with a lower case 'g') trying to tell me something? The hurricane started early last year, he threw me a preserver, and I damn near drown. Hmmm, maybe Edith has something going there...jumping ship.

Then, there's the gossip, about MisAdventure. Neighbors do talk GRRRRRRR................I have a new answer this year. I'm busy, I'm building a house.

Sunday, February 24, 2008

Indulge Me

I lack the adjectives to express my frustration. My aggravation. I am furious, enraged, galled, irascible. Not to mention, insulted.

Where do I begin with my frustration? Such arbitrary and capricious behaviour can not, CAN NOT POSSIBLY be sanctioned by God. A God. ANY God. It's bigoted behavior that is incessantly handed down from one member to the next.

Dismay aside, this only exacerbates my frustration. Such insolent Dogma espoused by ominous, patronizing, patriarchal figures in sickly soft spoken tones. Delivered in enigmatic language that appears empathetic but is really the smelliest of red herrings and the worst of circular logic that one can offer. I can just hear them, "You are loved, we love you. But, you are inherently bad. "Fix" yourself." Argh!!

This is what they believe!!! That a segment of the population, by their very nature, is inherently BAD. That they going to hell. And, heaven forbid, you have the moxy to stand up for yourself or a loved one and adhere to your convictions? You are summarily shown the door!! Grrrr! The beliefs they so emphatically espouse impact the lives of millions of people while they selectively pick off the squeaky wheels! Oh! But, it isn't open for debate!!!!! Don't Fucking debate them! Because well, it's their belief system. Never mind that they manipulate legislation to adhere to their narrowly defined, inhumane, un-Christlike dogma.

Now, I know, I know, people don't make the religion. Well look at the hierarchy pulling the strings!! They deliver the message and millions of people prostrate themselves to the every whim of these leaders. These leaders send a clear and concise message, "We will love you and bring/keep you in our fold. But only if you think, act and do it our way." In other words? Their epiphany far outweighs any personal epiphany you may have had. Because they're right and YOU are wrong!

There isn't anything I can do about it either. This effects people that I love, love, love so very much. It effects their psyche and their lives. And I feel like I can only sit and watch the whole thing just happen in front of me and I am helpless to affect any different.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Forgiveness

Can I give up? Can…I…give…up? I surrender. I capitulate. I have, for almost ten years, tried, and tried and tried again to appease Her. I frequently ponder and analyze here at this little spot in the blogosphere about 'Tawanda'. Should we indulge her? Am I at fault? Am I to blame?

What I am, is tired. As recently as last week I wondered out loud about transgressions against her, or perceived impropriety.
“I declare that there is more joy in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety and nine righteous persons who need no repentance. Even so, it is not the will of my Father in heaven that one of these little ones should go astray, much less that they should perish. In your religion God may receive repentant sinners; in the gospel of the kingdom the Father goes forth to find them even before they have seriously thought of repentance.”

I really never can tell. (Scroll down the page, go for a walk back in time. If you thought it might be one person, it was probably about her. I’ve even had some call me IRL to confirm that it was she I was speaking of. I’ve had others mistakenly think it was them. Oh well.) But, as I was saying, I never can tell, how did I offend her? Do I deserve an explanation? Am I defensible, indefensible? I cover much of my thinking in vague inferences with the delusion that per chance should she just happen upon this spot of nowhere, she may not be able to deduce that it is me. And, that it is SHE of which I CAN incessantly complain. Well, apparently, she DID.

I don’t know how to be friends with Tawanda. And God knows she needs a friend.
“The Father in heaven loves his children, and therefore should you learn to love one another; the Father in heaven forgives you your sins; therefore should you learn to forgive one another. If your brother sins against you, go to him and with tact and patience show him his fault. And do all this between you and him alone. If he will listen to you, then have you won your brother. But if your brother will not hear you, if he persists in the error of his way, go again to him.”

In this case there are the obligatory aspects. I need to be friends with her. It’s the RIGHT thing to do. But ultimately, after obligation, there is a sense of affinity. Like watching the paste eater in Kindergarten and wishing you could prevail upon her the awkwardness of her behavior to everyone else.

Alas, she is nothing, if not consistent. Consistently arbitrary and unpredictable. I don’t know that she is cognizant of the ultimate end to her actions. Nor do I think she cares. You could glace sideways at her and today, it’s funny. Tomorrow, inexcusable.

So my query is, when do I say when? When do I give in with anyone? Do I stop asking forgiveness? Is that right? How do I show the proper contrition and sincerity? I want to get it right. I WANT to get it right!! God wouldn't continually beat me over the head with the lesson if was getting the message. With Tawanda, I am continually accused and when the infraction is noted, IF it is noted, I am left begging for forgiveness. More often, her anger is manifest in a bizarre stolid yet antagonistic behavior. Classic passive/agressive.

The infraction is never noted, only reacted to. I am, of course, supposed to use my less than stellar skills of ESP to figure out what impropriety I have committed. She is under the distinct impression that it always obvious and I am complete moron for having not just “figured it out”. I particularize the details incessantly.
The most frequent advice, let it go. I am deflated. But, I’m trying. Time heals all wounds or in this case, breeds the ever growing indifference and apathy. I'm frustrated by the apathy. But, I severely lack adequate efficacy, I suppose.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Bias, Bigoted, Backwards Homophobe

It's time for him to go. He has proven time and time again that he is an unfortunate bias, bigoted, backwards homophobe. And there are to many people that I love with all my heart, might, mind and soul to allow narrow minded individuals such as this to remain in our legislature being that they may . From disabled who need early intervention to couples who need health care regardless of their orientation, let's just be d-o-n-e done with him.

Monday, February 18, 2008

Need to Laugh?

My children may be able to provide some comedy today. I think God was looking to gift me with a little laughter. I thought I might share.

Sunday, February 17, 2008

Picture Worth a 1000 Words

What is going through his head? If looks could kill, eh? It must come as such a shock to him that she is capable of functioning sucessfully as a lesbian. I won't print what I think of him.

Saturday, February 16, 2008

Some of Us Have A New American Anthem

Experience Aside

In this "race" for the White House, that began far to soon, I've bounced more about my possible choice for office than a four year old on a trampoline. I change my mind more often than men change channels. As of two weeks ago the rock and hard place I felt stuck, crumbled on one side and I was left with only one choice. NOT HILLARY! Oh, and I do like some of the candidates running, did like. One by one the're catching the wagon.

I think I am undecidedly firm on Barack. For a number of reasons. His charisma has stark reminders of someone I know. That's a good thing. If his charisma speaks anything of Obama as it does for the individual that I know, get me to polls!! Yet, I hear it again and again, Barack Obama is a great senetor, but he lacks the experience to be the President.

Well there's something to be said for substance. Mr. Sullivan pointed me here. and as Hilzoy points out;
...my little data point is: while Obama has not proposed his Cosmic Plan for World Peace, he has proposed a lot of interesting legislation on important but undercovered topics. I can't remember another freshman Senator who so routinely pops up when I'm doing research on some non-sexy but important topic, and pops up because he has proposed something genuinely good. Since I think that American politics doesn't do nearly enough to reward people who take a patient, craftsmanlike attitude towards legislation, caring as much about fixing the parts that no one will notice until they go wrong as about the flashy parts, I wanted to say this.


This dedicated blogger has been sifting through Clinton's and Obama's record in the senate to see what they have actually accomplished. Bless those with more patience than me.

Uhhh, Is She Serious?


I should apply for my passport now. That way, if I have to run-away from her, my exit will be speedy.

Friday, February 15, 2008

THE VOICE

If you have read the book, you are familiar with the post title. It is a book by one of my favorite authors. A book I've completed three times. A story that is unique and neoteric everytime I read it. One that varitally impacts me in new ways with each reading. One that brings me to tears, makes me cry no, weep, everytime I read it, despite the fact that I am familiar with the ending. An ending that concludes with "O God, please give him back! I shall keep asking You."

I red line different aspects each time I read it, but my all time favorite line among the 500+ pages is...
IF YOU CARE ABOUT SOMETHING, YOU HAVE TO PROTECT IT -- IF YOU'RE LUCKY ENOUGH TO FIND A WAY OF LIFE YOU LOVE, YOU HAVE TO FIND THE COURAGE TO LIVE IT.

The story begins with one of the BEST first lines ever written;

I am doomed to remember a boy with wrecked voice--not because of his voice, or because he was the smallest person I ever knew, or even because he was the instrument of my mother's death, but because he is the reason I believe in God; I am a Christian because of Owen Meany.
Owen Meany. It gives me pause. I always wonder when I read that sentence; Who is the reason I believe in God? I think the answer re-news itself each time I query.

Antiquated Political View

I don't agree with Chris Buttars politics and well spoken frustration abounds. His (Sen. Buttars) odious statements and hateful politics define him. I find the likes of Chris Buttars and Gail Ruzica some of the worst kind of so called "Christians" that the world has to offer. Paul Rolly is right, Buttars is more than anti-gay.

The worst part about this, I feel helpless to change anything about his agenda. The voters in South Jordan keep electing him. It kinks my beard that this is the "majority" opinion.

Let Him Into Your Heart!


Could he be any cuter?

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Death & Honesty

Honest. Genuine. Forthright. Honorable in principles, intentions, and actions; upright and fair.

Honorable in intentions. I try, everyday, to be an honest person. To say and do what I believe. I am not always successful. And when I fail, I do everything in my power to rectify my inaccuracy.

Over the summer I was accused of being intentionally dishonest. Even calculating, plotting to fabricate a situation for my benefit. In the effort to defend myself, for that is what I should do, isn't it, defend my honor? In the effort to defend myself I was swiftly stopped.

Me: I didn’t intend this outcome. I didn't set out for this to....
Them: You put this idea into his head. You told him to do this.
Me: No. I would never want to intentionally...
Them: I don't know about that.
Me: Are you saying that I'm lying to you?
Them: Well, we'll just have to agree to disagree on that, won't we.

What!?!? Did they just say we would have to agree to disagree on my integrity?! Agree to disagree? My honor is not only questionable, but indefensible? Well, perhaps it is better to fail with honor, than succeed by fraud.

Indefensible. At what point in our efforts to seek reparations do we just acquiesce and let our reputation hang in the balance? This is about character. Do we allow the defamation of that character? Because, ultimately, that is what the offended party is going to do, sully our character and reputation in defense of themselves. There's that word again, defense.

Defense. Which segues into, forgiveness. What is true forgiveness? Is there an unforgiveable sin? Are they all unforgiveable? How many times does one have to ask for forgiveness before it is rendered insincere and redundant? It seems the ultimate oxymoron, a gross hypocrisy. We attend church on a consistent basis and preach forgiveness and repentance and yet we would condemn each other for even the most minor of offenses. Are we that above each other? Don’t true friends and family deserve unceasing palliation? The Lord extends such charity. He would seek us out to offer his indemnity.

“I declare that there is more joy in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety and nine righteous persons who need no repentance. Even so, it is not the will of my Father in heaven that one of these little ones should go astray, much less that they should perish. In your religion God may receive repentant sinners; in the gospel of the kingdom the Father goes forth to find them even before they have seriously thought of repentance.”

A good friend, a true friend, a best friend, (friendship, a topic for another day) recently offered a book selection that they had been assigned. I didn’t know how much I needed to read this book. My therapist would like to thank my friend. It brought me to an understanding of myself and reconciliation, of sorts, with my past. A forgiveness, if you will. For if I can not forgive myself, I don't know that I can expect forgiveness in return.

“The Father in heaven loves his children, and therefore should you learn to love one another; the Father in heaven forgives you your sins; therefore should you learn to forgive one another. If your brother sins against you, go to him and with tact and patience show him his fault. And do all this between you and him alone. If he will listen to you, then have you won your brother. But if your brother will not hear you, if he persists in the error of his way, go again to him.”

Another true friend of mine just lost her father-in-law. Her husband doesn’t know how to process this event. His life was a strange collection of similarities to the book I just finished. My friend recommended that he read the book to help process his past. Then his Dad died. He’s choosing to postpone reading said book. He is struggling with his feelings on his father’s passing. Trying to reconcile his anger with his sadness. Should he forgive his father? Should he be sad?
Regardless, the household is solemn. My condolences. The Offspring and I will be there to give our love and support. I struggle with death. It is one of my greatest fears.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

While We're On the Subject

God, it would appear, is a convenience of crisis for most of us. A putty for the gaps we can not fill and an excuse for our blessed stupidity as humans. It would seem to emerge that in our zeal to establish proof of our religious convictions over that of our neighbors, God gets lost in the mêlée. I, am guilty of such contravention.

In an attempt to prove it to myself, I've wasted copious amounts of time trying to disprove everyone else. In a voracious consumption of material, both "for" and "against", I've brought myself no closer to an adequate conclusion, individually or for anyone else. (Until, a small moment, while reading a rather insignificant book. Or, perhaps, in my case, quite profound. But that story, is for another day.)

A beautiful human being very specifically pointed this out to me some months ago. I was enraged. How dare they! Insolent brat, indignant, self-righteous, impertinent worm. I have familiarity in these things!! I have mileage!! That makes me wiser! Or, er, uh, blind. I am guilty of the ever baffling oxymoron: religious tolerance.

My desk calendar doesn't often get "turned over". So it's rarely on the right day. I suspect that the Offspring like to play with it. It often sits for weeks on December 25th. Often enough that I have memorized the "quote of the day" that it shares. I didn't hear it, until today.

"Practice wanting for others what you want for yourself by being Christlike rather than a Christian, Mohammed-like rather than a Muslim, and Buddha-like rather than a Buddhist."

Can you hear Him? "Hmmm, why don't you hand me the keys."

Monday, February 11, 2008

Seriously, I Just Want OUT of the Car!

I realize that it's February. But I need to share, er, purge! It really isn’t about our little wave, as much as it involves one of our characters. When we last left our little pool, Dolly was planning her wedding, Daisy was home with her Offspring, Blondie was hard at work in school and Dot was clutching her new microphone in St. George. Oh, and we had added to our cast of characters. Vera Vigilante! Mis Molly is NOT Vera’s favorite person. Does anyone sense a trend here this week?

I don't have time to bring you up to speed, just catch up! So far, my week has been shit. It is of my own assembly, I will admit. I've exhausted a lot of time, recently, wishing I had a good engineer. But, alas, I must confess, I believe the bridge is irreparably damaged. The former proprietor is firmly planted on the opposite side of the ravine flinging obscenities. (Yeah, don't feel bad for Mis Molly, she asked for.) Today, I wondered if they weren't joined by Miss Vera and a 12-guage shot gun. Perhaps God, in his infinite wisdom, feels it necessary to remind Mis Molly of her blunders. We seem to keep finding the same detour. I know I’ve seen this wreck before, need we be reminded! Seriously.

I can just hear her on the ledge amongst the ruins,"You distract her, I'll shoot her!" she spits.
"I'M ON IT!" they responsed.

As you know, I don't deal well with the knowledge that someone, anyone, in this world wouldn't be fond of me. Seriously, "It's all about PoPuLaR..." as you will recall. Isn’t it? The knowledge that Vera can't stomach the very thought of me, let alone the sight, drives me batty. Perhaps, because I feel directly responsible for her having an exceedingly agonized summer. (Can you see me raise my eyebrows and squeeze my shoulders, hands lifted in tribulation?) Regrettably, profusely apologizing and attempting to appeal to the woman will do me no good. I, am the devil. Hmmm, heavy sigh.

Oh, yes, shitty week. Uh, sick kids, fussy baby, need groceries....Pack children in car. Leave one home. Navigate oneself through crowded parking lot. Schlep baby and offspring into store. Gather needed items, round the corner of the "international foods isle" and who do I find? Fuck! I'm like Peter Rabbit...(or, never mind) I can't win. This encounter was AFTER buck-buck #1 vomited in isle 7!(from a coughing fit! Please, if he was that sick, I'd have left him home too.) God help me. Oh, ha, ha, wait, he already tried. I was too stupid to be paying attention!!

Well, she wasn't packing heat, today. But, please, if looks could kill. I was so panicked I forgot half the items I trekked to the store for in the first place. It took me 10 minutes to recover in the car. Where upon I berated myself for being such a cowardly dumb-ass. The offspring valiantly tried to make me feel better. He "lovingly" pointed out that "at least you're not wearing make-up, so it isn't smeared down your face." He tried to recover by telling me "she probably didn't recognize you because you have the baby today." We can only hope. Grrr, I give up! God, make me bird, so I can far, far away.....

Did You THINK You Were Driving?

What would you call yourself in this world? Does anyone really care? And the colossal query, Why are we here? Who’s driving this car?

In a moment of rapt reflection today, I pondered such questions. (No, my head didn’t hurt, much) Funny how those little epiphany gems get us when we need them most and expect them least. Like a little tap on the shoulder from God. “Helllloooo, are you paying attention?” He whispers kindly in your ear.

It’s a little awkward to realize that, while wrapped up in one’s selfish, self absorbed, overconfident stride through life, you’ve missed a step. There’s a stair missing….And generally this doesn’t occur to us until we are hurled head long, fingers splayed in horror, as a human projectile, down the stairs we were so assertively leaping two by two. Repeatedly telling ourselves, as we thud each step with our thick head, dumb-ass, dumb-ass, dumb-ass or, in a truly verbose moment, fuck-chop, fuck-chop, fuck-chop.

We arrive at the bottom with bumps and bruises, to extricate ourselves from the block wall, peel ourselves up off the pavement, dust ourselves off, and pledge earnestly that we’ve learned our lesson! We will never be so dim-witted or senseless again. Unnnntil...the next time. We are human. Blessedly stupid to the end.

Being that I have a penchant for stupidity, one would assume that I had worked the kinks out by now. Learned that lesson. Alas, I’ve not. I’m but a pawn in God’s little game and if I don’t start putting two and two together my final check-mate will be sorely disappointing. Hold on, Sally, I’m just getting started. This could take a minute.

I, am, human. I, am, not, perfect. Have we established this? I am reduced, on occasion, or frequently (can you hear me say that with appalled reluctance through my clenched teeth?) to behaving like a prissy, Jr. High juvenile. That’s the moment, in the dark alley, when God taps me on the shoulder and says “Excuse me, Molly, I don’t think so.”

Can you hear my stunned silence, my mouth hanging agape?

“Sir?” I choke “Ma’am?”

“Here’s the mirror, Molly. Perhaps we could work on reflecting what comes into our lives without judgment or opinion, eh?”

Worse, when the specific gaffe turns into an unintentional affront at the expense of one of my children. “Oh, shit. You heard that. I didn’t mean…I uh, you see. It came out wrong. I didn’t intend to make you feel….” (I can hear the refrain in the back of my head…I always feel like, somebody’s watchin’ me…)To late! You stand, exposed to the world, like the idiot that you are. You see the hurt in their eyes, hear the spoil in their voice. Damn, it sucks when someone younger than you bests you at appropriate behavior. Sucks worse when they're smart enough to point it out. The truth hurts...

Yeah, open mouth, insert foot. The blood rushes to your feet and your extremities go numb. You become lightheaded and, in my case, you stumble for the nearest commode overtaken by nausea. All the while thinking, FUCK, I did it again!! Will I never learn? How many times does the dumb-ass fairy have to hit you over the head before you get the message? (Whack*! Selfish, Whack*! Self-centered, Whack*! Self-righteous…..GaLinda’s wand may not work (Can I get hand here?), but the dumb-ass fairy, well.

So, here we are. Reduced to a blithering idiot. God, chuckling in the wings, “So, you thought you were driving this car? I warned you the bridge was out.”

“Grrr, Ok,” I mutter indignantly under my breath, nursing my wounds, “ I deserve that. Can I apologize?”

“Mmmm, that currently isn’t up to me. Now, give me the keys.” God says, gently extending his hand “You might need a little help. And I would hate to resort to large aquatic mammals to drive home my point.”

Sunday, February 10, 2008

Stunned Silence

Stunned Silence. It was all I could muster four years ago, on my son’s birthday, when my best friend dropped a bombshell. She was upset with me. In fact, she had been frustrated with me for some time. She just didn't know how to tell me.

I was informed, rather bluntly, that I was insensitive, immature, and a shameless copycat. I whined constantly without cause or provocation and she was just plain tired of it. I was emotionally draining, high maintenance and almost never happy. I was argumentative, opinionated and lacking civilized, mature behavior. She told me that she wasn't sure that she wanted to BE friends with me.

I was stunned. It was one of those moments I call 2X4 moments. I got that cold, sick feeling all over. The blood seem to just leave my face and pool at my feet. My heart stopped, a rock jammed in my throat and my heart sank to my stomach. I had spent hours with this woman, daily, for 4 years. I considered her my best friend. My confidante. My support. I didn't KNOW what to say. I was embarrassed. I was humbled. I had hurt someone I love. My behavior was inexcusable. In a truly stellar moment (that's sarcasm) all I could muster was lame "I'm sorry"(that was NOT sarcasm). I mean, if the allegations were true, what could I say. The reality is, she probably wasn't to far off the mark. The truth hurts.

The relationship lasted only another strained 6 months and then it abruptly stopped. I spent the better part of year trying to understand what I had done wrong and how I could properly rectify the situation. Trying to understand where I had failed as a friend, as human being. I had hurt someone I love I had to FIX it. That's what you DO!

We didn't see or speak to each other until this last Christmas. I don't know that anyone could grasp my elation. The circumstances were strange, to say the least. But I walked on water for days after. I speculated, "Maybe I have grown up in these four years," I whispered to myself, "Maybe I'll be able to have a more mature relationship with her." Yes, yes. We could talk again. Hang out again! Oh, I couldn't wait! I made tentative steps toward reestablishing and building our friendship anew!

Alas, perhaps my enthusiasm was a little premature. I was informed recently that I'm still immature. That I'm not worth the effort. Civilized and mature adults don't act like me. I realized with, stunned silence, that I'm not worth the effort for all the same reasons as four years ago. It's true, I jump to conclusions, take everything personally, I'm argumentative and I need to grow up. For God sakes I'm 36.

Can you hear my stunned silence? My mouth hanging agape. Hmm, yes, open mouth, insert foot. The blood rushed to my feet as I took the words in. I became lightheaded and I stumbled to the nearest commode. Fuck, I'd done it again! Will I never learn? How many times do I have to be hit over the head to get the message? And once again, I'm reduced to a blithering idiot with only a lame "I'm sorry". Not that it helps. Not that it does a damn bit of good. And not that writing it here will translate correctly. The printed word to often gets lost in translation.

I hold onto some hope that I can reconcile some of what we had. It seems terribly audacious, but, I loved her very much. She was my friend. They both were. But, I suppose, that sometimes, the damage is irreparable. In both cases, I deserve it. And I don't think any amount of apologies or humility will ever really mend the broken fences. The "burned bridge" I mentioned a few days ago, that one I had called in the engineers for, but didn't think was rebuildable. I, uh, yeah. Truth hurts.

Saturday, February 9, 2008

'Tis Better to Have Loved....

You know the rest, ...to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all. Oh please, can I puke?

Call me a cynic...because I am one. But, today, in a moment of rapt reflection, I decided this...BUUUULLLLSHIIIT! Fucking irony, that's what that little nugget of insight is. There's enough muck that I have to wade through in this life. I get plenty of heartache and frustration. There are days, like today, when a broken heart, just doesn't seem worth it. Romantic or otherwise. (Ha ha, come to think of it, haven't had my romantic heart broken in 15 years. Gotta love my John Boy, eh?) The other peices of my heart? Well, like I said.....And hindsight is 20/20.(Blah, blah, blah. Yada, yada, yada.) I hate it when someone tells me to look out and I ignore them. I AM a DUMBASS.

Note to self, maybe it should read "'Tis better to have passed it by, than to let it break your heart" Hey, it's the middle of the night, what do expect?

Friday, February 8, 2008

Universalist Unitarian Mormon

Some ask me, ok a lot of someones, what a Unitarian Mormon is. Well, I found it!!!I think. Now the definition was denoted as a Humanistic Mormon, but, Unitarians define themselves as? Humanists.

Humanistic Mormonism is a movement of Free Thinkers, Cultural Mormons, Disfellowshipped or Independents people related to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and other Latter Day Saint groups that emphasize Mormon culture and history, but do not demand belief in a supernatural god, or the historicity of the Bible or the Book of Mormon. It is based on Humanism and can be summarized in some points.

A Mormon is someone who identifies with the history, culture and future of the LDS way of life.
People possess the power and responsibility to shape their own lives independent of supernatural authority.
Ethics and morality should serve human needs and choices should be based upon consideration of the consequences of actions rather than pre-ordained rules or commandments.
The Bible, Book of Mormon or other religious texts are purely human and natural phenomena. Biblical and other traditional texts are the products of human activity and are best understood by scientific analysis.

I could blither forever, because I love to talk but I'll spare you the long and boring details.

Thursday, February 7, 2008

Voter Demographic

Chariiiiisssma! "It's a special quality of leadership that captures the popular imagination and inspires alegiance and devotion."

"Barack Obama continued to do well among voters who are younger, better-educated and wealthier; he solidified his support among African-Americans; and he ran strongly among men, including white men," said William A. Galston, a senior fellow for governance studies at the Brookings Institution.

Barack appeals to young voters. We "gerneration Xers" and younger. A group that typically doesn't vote in large numbers like their parents and grandparents.

I know a charismatic being that could "capture the popular imagination and inspire alegiance and devotion." The perfect youth to lead masses of young voters in this country out to the polls. Hmmmmm......now where did my extension engineer go? I wonder how that brigde project is going?

Cultural Persuasion

New term. Huh, really? As opposed to this.
I just opened a huge can of worms for those of you with weak constitutions, didn't I. I didn't know Mormonism was catagorized in so many different ways. Well, this is America and we do love to compartmentalize, catagorize and label EVERYTHING!

Change Of Plans

I'm supposed to be driving to Idaho. It's snowing. I don't drive in storms like this, not to Idaho.

Consequently, I'm bored. So, I'll post like a maniac. I found this blog while wondering the internet. This guy is cool VERY cool!....Well, of course he is. We like the same people. Take time to scroll down the page. It's worth the read. I shall be returning.

A Few Good Men

People to admire and emulate. The only one missing from his list? Andrew himself.....

Well This Sucks


This kind of bites! I think his parting words were eloquent. For the most part. But, I'm decidedly in one camp now. I'm crossing all my fingers and toes.....

Chariiiiissssma!

"It's a special quality of leadership that captures the popular imagination and inspires alegiance and devotion."

Mmmm, do you know anyone with this quality? I find it to be a highly desirable quality, especially if you tend to "burn bridges". I don't recommend the latter, although, on certain days, the Salt Lake Sweede would say that it is a skill, along with charisma, well worth having. Perhaps because re-engineering the brige is easier to execute with a good dose of charisma. She, of course, doesn't feel it's appropriate behavior on most occasions, but, she has inspired one to do a stellar job of destruction. The bridge didn't just burn, it imploded, it was vaporized. We've hired construction crews to invest copious amounts of time and effort in the rebuild. I don't think, Ok, I know the engineers are NOT fairing well. Forgive me for being tagential, I do digress. We were discussing 'charisma'.

My favorite prospective Presidential Candidate has an exuberant magnitude of charisma. Having been 'burned' by charismatic individuals in the past, I'm a little wary of such people. Which gives me a bit of reserve in my endorsement of this guy for president. It doesn't send up any major warning flags but, like I said, I'm a bit wary. This candidate has a couple of things working against him, one not mentioned here is his popularity amoung younger voters.

John Boy and I have coffee every morning. It's a ritual that I look forward to daily. Today the topic was, of course, the candidates for the coming election. We talked about different candidates charismatic ability and how well they can sell and idea based on their charismatic skills. One of the problems that my favorite candidate faces, as I mentioned, is their appeal to a younger crowd. The "younger crowd" in this country doesn't tend to vote enmass like the "older crowd". Which brings me the point of my blither. (For that is what this blog is about, mindless, random blither in my head.) The charismatic being that could "capture the popular imagination and inspire alegiance and devotion."

I had a sudden epiphany. I hate epiphanies. I find them to be very unpredicable and unreliable. Entire religious movements have been inspired by a single epiphany. Politicians are notorious for epiphanies. Inspirations, if you like that word more. And because I'm suspect of people and their personal epiphanies and how they might impact me, among other reasons, of which I don't have adequate space to elaborate on in this post, I don't like politicians, either. I don't encourage people I love to go into politics. It corrupts. Personal epiphany and corruption, bad combination. Wow, that was long detour to get from point A to point B. And I still haven't enlightened you on my general point.

So, I discourage loved ones from being politicians. BFD. Or, maybe I should rethink my conclusions. My epiphany is more than just momentary. It's the second time I've been hit upside the head by the epiphany fairy with this particular idea. (Glitter subsequently covers the ground under my chair) I had it, the first time, this summer at a lecture I attended. The speaker was a professor of ethics at the University of Utah. At this point I should probably relinquish my stubborn attitude and just go with it. All I could think of this morning was the perfect, charismatic youth to lead the masses of youth in this country out to vote. Good grief. I should have my head examined.

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

I Might Want Off This Train

Change! That's what all those enthusiastic, enterprising, candidates running for the Presidential nomination promise us. At least, a change from the last eight years.

I applaud that. It's time for King George to give up his throne. It's time for the master manipulator, Cheney, to find a pond in which to shoot ducks. DUCKS, not humans. But, with the extreme animosity generated by the current administration I'm a little worried about who Americans think should take charge of the White House for the next four years. Or, God forbid, another eight.

We are on a direct trajectory to spear a Democrat to that seat. Now, it would seem a logical choice, being that the Republican party doesn't seem to have done such a stellar job. It's time to swing that pendulum at break neck speed in the polar opposite direction. Well, of course!

Working with what most of us perceive to be a Republican, I wouldn't want another one to take office. Conservative, right-wing, narrow minded, self-righteous, heavy handed religious sphinctor. Ok, so Dobson and his cronies aren't in the actual seat, but they sure weild a heavy influence. Obviously the definition that most of us are working with is nowhere near the original explication that comprises a Republican. And, if I'm reading campaign promises correctly, Democrats are prepared to live up theirs. Which is, a government that imposes a heavy tax burden to implement broad and controlling state and federally run programs. This is only a vague shadwo of what a true Democrat was supposed to be. Essentially, to me, the party appears closer to "Big Brother". George Orwell was right.

What's wrong with this, besides scaring the hell out of me? We are supposed to live in a free-market economy. A republic with limited government. Those individuals who wrote the Constitution and The Bill of Rights wrote a brilliant piece of work to help us run this country. It was composed with the belief that the common man was smart enough to run his own life. Getting a little help from his neighbor on occasion.

Do you see where this could be headed? It's a bit of a Robin Hood mentality. Rob the rich to feed the poor. In a free-market system, that doesn't work. It kills the economy. It makes everyone poor and reliant on 'big brother'. And the last time I checked, our government couldn't efficiently run....ANYTHING. When is the last time you got great service at a government run agency? Kah, Please.

If you know me in real life you are probably thinking that I'm the biggest whiner on the planet. "Poor Molly will have to pay more in taxes". Yes, yes, I know. Get out your violins. (Note of heavy sarcasm and a defiant roll of the eyes) But let me defend myself. I'm not waxing sorrowful here.

If you work your way through school, get a good job, and a sprinkle of luck from the good luck fairy, in a world like many of the Democrats want, the more money you make for your hard work and ingenuity, not to mention your heavy dose of luck, the more they are going to take from you. It seems only fair, right? Or does it? At some point, human nature is thus that our attitude will be, "Why work hard when the "man" is going to take it from me anyway?" which segues into "If 'Big Brother' will pay for it, why should I?".

In this country if you make a six figure salary, (you're thinking this is great, right?) you fall into a 32-43% tax bracket. Percentage applicable at appropriate increments. In other words, the first $90,0000 is taxed at 32% the next jump at whatever percentage comes next. In today’s world, $100,000 doesn't go that far. Not if you want to live the "American Dream". And we have some pretty high expectations in America for that dream. Based on what most Democratic runners want, that tax percentage, would go UP. And if you're going to be punished for earning money, why make it? If you saw my tax bill from the last 3 years, you would wonder with me. Trust me. And if the Democrats take office, as they probably will, I, or we (a little credit where credit is due, eh?) potentially could be punished for hard work and a little reward. For most, it's not a hardship. But the government can't manage the money they take from me now. This doesn't instill confidence in their ability to manage MORE.

There's also the problem with our collective mentality of equality. I can see where this idea of government run programs, paid for by the tax payers, materializes into rewards for the stupid. I don't want to subsidize stupid. I already do that on a regular basis, it's called family....(Ha ha...Kidding!!! I'm kidding!) We all deserve a chance. I strongly believe in that. In fact most of us deserve a lot of chances. Heaven knows I've had numerous chances bestowed on me. Thank God those that loved me didn't give up on me when I acted like a complete ass. Oh, I mean, when I ACT, like a complete ass, I've not perfected my behavior, yet. (Lord, help me be Christ-like...can you see my look of supplication and innocence? Eyes cast to heaven...) But, isn't there a point when we say, enough is enough? Equal opportunity, not equal results. If I, or the government in its ideological fury, allows multiple chances, when do you finally call it quits? And why do the rest of us have to pay for it?

This feels like a train wreck in the making. Eh, I could be wrong. I often am. Mmm, more frequently than not. I want to have the optimistic fervor that seems to have infected so many people in this country. But, I can't participate with enthusiasm without a bit of reservation. Now, with that said, Go Obama? Go Mitt! Go McCain...no, Obama. Ok, just make Billary go away! As if I have any fuckin' say, anyway. Oh well, I'll go to the polls, at least I can do that without fear of my life. Go team....! Rant complete.

Sunday, February 3, 2008

A LifeStyle?

I find little things like this frustrating. And to a degree, insulting. (But what else does one do at 2:00 in the morning with insomnia?) How tragic that we even have to define an individuals rights based on sexual orientation. Stupid!! If your basic human rights are violated because you lose a job or an opportunity because of gender, orientation, ethnicity or age it's bad enough. But to have to define it? How stupid are we as a society? It appears so very simple to me, "Do all that you have agreed to do" and "Do nothing that encroaches on any person or their property". In other words? As I have loved you, love one another.

Who you share your bed with does not ensure that you won't be a dumb ass and shouldn't ensure you an advantage either. If you are a difficult individual and I can't employ you? See ya!! And that has nothing to do with swinging one way or the other. Just like being rich doesn't make you nicer and being poor doesn't make you a jerk. You can be an amazing, humble rich guy and you can be a jerk who doesn't deserve it. It has nothing to do with your income. Your income doesn't excuse your behavior, good or bad. And neither does the way you swing!!

It's such a ludicrous social more that we even have to categorize the gender of who we fall in love with or who we are attracted to. Roman society didn't define it. They were an advanced society that thrived with no word in their vocabulary for "gay" or "lesbian". Maybe because who you cavorted with, or fell in love with, or had a "relationship" with, had no impact on your ability to act in, upon, or be a good, contributing citizen in society. We are the very thing that Roman society detested, barbaric. And if you try and tell me that the "Bible says..." Grrrr, don't get me started. In a literal sense, there is one, ONE scripture, in Leviticus, that addresses who you "lay" with. Guess what, depending on the Bible you use and the wording there-in, at the end of the day, the Hebrew language also lacked the vocabulary to define who you were "doing it" with. It's all up to interpretation.

And another thing, No, the fall of Rome had nothing to do with the Roman public's sexual behavior. Politics? Yeah. Government? Absolutely.(Absolute power corrupts absolutely) Economics? Big time. But rampant sexual behavior? Please. If that was the case our society would be back in the dark ages again. God doesn't carry that kind of vengeance. God doesn't have time. In other words, GOD DOESN'T CARE!!!! Please, "he" (she?) has far more important things to waste time worrying about than who we meet, marry, and spend our lives with!

Then there is that "lifestyle" thing. Being gay is NOT a lifestyle. If it is/was, then being gay is and will always be a CHOICE!! I can choose to live as a lesbian woman, it doesn't make me lesbian. I can flit my way through Capital Hill in Seattle like a loafer light fruitcake, but it doesn't make me gay. And it sure as hell doesn't dictate my "lifestyle". Why don't we have a "heterosexual lifestyle". What stereotypes would that include? Married with 2.5 children with a house in the "burbs"? Oh wait, not all heterosexual people are married! Stupid me. And not all gay men and women are single with no kids (DINKS). Who you are attracted to, who you want to share your days with, who you share your bed with, are NOT a LIFESTYLE!! (Are you wondering if I'm 1) passionate about this? and 2)Had to have this STUPID, time consuming, energy wasting argument before? Grrrr.) To a degree, you choose your lifestyle, which may or may not be influenced by any number of things, but influences are not dictates. Your sexual make-up does not tell me the lifestyle you lead.

Being gay does not tell me what kind of a parent you will be, either. Which is why this editorial needs serious attention. There is zero evidence that it is anything but a positive environment for a child to grow up with parents who are gay. There are no gaurantees, obviously, but your sexual orientation should not be an issue when looking to adopt a child.

Being gay does not entitle you to a job. But it is not grounds for dismissal either. Why oh why do we have to define this for society. In either case? Which brings us back around to the deplorable tragedy that we have to lower ourselves to such a level that we have to write laws to ensure the humane treatment of a minority in our society. Any minority. Anybody for that matter. When will we learn? We are human. Humans, by "higher law" deserve certain rights and privileges. Humane treatment and the "pursuit of happiness".

I know very little. Seriously little. And the older I get, the less I know. So, realistically, I could be wrong. (Hell, I probably am.)But I know this, we all deserve to be loved, even in our worst moments. And it would seem simple human nature to treat each other with respect, without having to define it. Unfortunately, we seem to need "big brother" to do it for us.(Heavy note of sarcasm, can you hear it?!)